A few weeks ago, we buried my cousin💔💣, as I grew up knowing her to be ( you know black people, everyone is your cousin especially if you’re around the same age). It’s strange how the kind of interactions you had with someone who has passed , really forces you to think about your own existence.
In this time of grieving and funeral preparations I spent alot more time in my birth place town than i have in over 10 years. Reconnecting with family and old childhood friends we used to play in the streets with,sad what modern Western tendencies we have developed, seeing family after decades unless funerals occur inbetween.
I sort of felt myself emotionally being caught up between who I was back then, and who I am now, during this period.
For starters my desire to constantly seek the approval of those I look up to, I was shocked to realize that i actually hadn’t let go of that habit, in my current self state. I still did not like being obviously rebellious, and would then need to sneak around or allow myself to be dictated to even if I had good reason for the things I had chosen to do. I should know better right, and own my decisions? I thought…
Growing up has an added element to it in my life now, because it means appreciating who i was and balancing it with who I am, and who I want to be, and have those personalities, co-exisit, because I have something significant to learn from my different states of being , and that is what makes me unique from the next individual.
No one can teach you how to be yourself, I’ve spent so much time learning from other people and from books, I left learning from myself last on the list.
Being in my home birth place town, Soweto…made me realize that I’ve neglected to create my own constitution of how to live my life, and learn enough about what works for me, as opposed to what worked for others.
I’ve come a long way, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, but there is so much about my past personality that i have decided to revisit and develop because I had so much more empathy, love and respect, so much stronger and a lot happier haha🤔😃, regardless of lifes challenges that occurs with growth into adulting, I knew more about my true self back then, that i’d chosen to forget in my present self, because of choices I made out of fear, when i really think about it,🤐😕.
It’s important to be conscious of your habits and reasons for those habits, they will tell you alot about where you are from and where you are going, and your awareness gives you the opportunity and power to indicate direction to where to next, instead of constantly going where the wind blows you, and feeling frustrated when you end up in an unplanned place. 👀
They say the past, present and the future co-exisits simultaneously, in the spiritual world, because depending on how you choose to perceive things in these different states of being, you see a different possible future.💬🤔
I don’t know how true this is, but i see God working on all levels of my life and I can see how it works together and I have absolute FAITH my purpose is being fulfilled to the level of OUR choice.
Flirting with my past reminded me of the grace upon my life, and the importance of my growth from my roots, that do not need to be cut off, but rather recognized, nurtured and developed together with my present, and future.
Love Life, Live Life, Be of Life! ❤